whats MY motivation!?!

So, a week into the New Year, and what can I say? I havent worked out once, not once! Unless you count cleaning. I have been moving stuff around, sweeping up pine needles and sweating up a storm..lol Of course some good hot sweaty sex would really help. Thats a good enjoyable exercise. On soooo many levels.

We'll see I guess Im getting my groove. I didnt eat much today. WE went to the new buffet with Sushi etc, VOMIT! Blegh! The stuff they got there...Whole baby octopuses, tentacles and all, all the fish still had their heads, bones, skin... yeah the boys LOVED it! What planet are they from, damn. I had some chinese food, that was cooked, but I only ate half a plate. Then I made pasta...made sauce from scratch today, I want to get better at homemade cooking. I like to do it, but usually only happens over the holidays. We need to make it something that happens on a regular occasion. I had one plate of spaghetti. And was good. I kept staring at it, thinking about it, wanting it. But I didnt do it!!

My little world has been filled with great REALIZATIONS lately. My most recent one saddens me. My relationship with food is just like my relationship with men. I havent figured out where that connection was made, where it started from. I used to be thin, some said too thin? Hello, what was I Nicole Richie, far from it. Of course most people around here are overweight, to put it nicelyOnly the 12 yerars olds that havent had their 5th child yet...lol... Ok, but seriously I used to think I was fat, when I was like 138-140. So I decided to lose weight. I was moving to Hawaii with T and dint look fat in a bikini. I was 17, 5'8.5" and 120 pounds. I worked out every night and ate ice cubes all day tricking my brain into thinking I was eating, when it was really only water...

I wanted to look good for my man when he saw mt again. Is that where it started? was that when it began? I dont know. Iw as never fat before that. However I got pregnent the day I arrived in Hawaii. My son's father gained more weight than I did. I lost weight all over, except my stomach and my breasts, went from a B to a double D!! They didnt even look real. But my stomach was flat and I had huge boobs right after he was born. I got in a size 7 with no problems.

Time passes on, kicked him to the curb and met a new man. Nice, sweet, we never fought, he was a body builder. My weight went up a bit he never said a word. I f he noticed, if he cared, he never said. Sounds great right? I was bored, thought that with no fighting we had no passion and so I left him as well... I started gaining weight. I was up to about 180 by this point. My heaviest ever. I went toa bariatrics doctor and lossed over 20 pounds in a month and kept losing. Thats when I met my soon to be ex-husband : ) I got back down to 140 again and was happy with him and happy with my body. As our relationship progressed things started to go down hill. His addictions and non existence sex life and my weight ballooned all over again. We moved to Vegas, and I was MISERABLE and I gained 30 pounds in 6 months. I left him and moved back and started losing weight again. Not from effor, but from just feeling better.

I got a desk job and he came back, insisting on us being together. Well that was that, I went up to 216 pounds. He would throw it in my face, how fat I was, whenever he felt the need to bring me downoff my high horse... (whatever) I found out, after almost 10 years of being together (and no sex whatsoever) that he was cheating on me. I was horrified!! I couldnt breathe, I couldnt quit crying or puking. I t made me sick for 2 MONTHS!! Interestingly enough, less than a week after I found out, is when I met...yes, another man. My marraige was DEFINATELY over. Tada! Inspiration, yeah, I guess so...Or another addiction for me with men and food. I had never weighed so much in my LIFE!! EVER!!

There was an obvious attraction between me and the man I became obsessed with. My on again off again, maybe, no not really, no definately not, my boyfriend. I worked out constantly. I dropped 40 pounds in 3 months! I could wear my little skirts and my high heels. I started feeling confident in myself. I felt sexy, secure, powerful. I saw the way men looked at me, and it is empowering. to be a sexy woman.

Both of these men are finally not a priority in my life anymore. But Im having problems with finding my new motivation. Like I am not reason enough to lose the weight. I dont want or need to have a man to make me want to lose this weight. I want to lose it for me. But when it comes down to it, exercise is for me. It only benefits me. So when kids, work, my house all need attention...well that leaves me in the dust doesnt it. Im trying to schedule my workouts but other things, work, etc. keep butting into my schedule. And for some reason, I cant breathe and I am damn tired! ALL the time! I am trying to get sleep, but it seems in the middle of the day, I get hit with the strong need for a nap. ANd my damned insurance screwed me, so I cant even go to the doctor. So as long as I dont die anytime soon...we'll all be good, and hopefully, with any luck, Ill lose some weight too...LOL