Friday, January 26, 2007
Friday, January 12, 2007
Okay!!
Ok, I get it, blog, already!! ITs not like I have 5000 OTHER things to do, struggle with, deal with, stress out over... Im working out and thats the important thing. If I have time, the big point there, IF, then I will be happy to blog. Its nice to get it all out. Bt sometimes, I just dont have anything ro say, and no time to say, I have nothing to say. Except that I worked out today and thats all that matters anyway...Make the fat GO AWAY. My stress level is going through the roof even though I am TRYING to keep calm. Me, myself, my body, is at the bottom of the list. Damn money!! The root of all evil...So I NEED to find another job, I NEED to find a way to pay my bills, I NEED to get my brand new dryer fixed, I NEED to pay my rent, I NEED to clean my house that my children (the youngest mostly) destroy while Im at work, I NEED a dresser cuz my room is a wreck and I have no where to put all that crap and a bookshelf to put ALL those books on, and even the money necessary to buy a dresser and a bookshelf. My mind is running a million miles an hour and its all about stress. Stress stress and more stress. And to start my own business, I NEED to go to the trade show, which is in Vegas, which requires 500 plus taxes for flight and hotel. Then more money for food, cab, etc... My dream, to own my own business seem sto be fading before my eyes and the ability to live and function a normal daily life is becoming the yo - yo effect again. And finding a new job takes what? Oh yeah, time!! Apply, wait, interview, pray, work and 2 weeks later, a check!!! Hurray!! But what is that? A month from now...great... So Im gonna get my son ready for school. get him on the bus, and go work out, before I go to work, pray that my child support check has arrived. go to work, go grocery shopping come home make dinner, then clean it up pit it all away, help kids with homework they dont want to do, make them take baths they dont wanna take and then maybe blog after... hurray...
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
hrm.
Carly needs to write another blog. oh well. she says to tell you all that she has been exercising her ass off and keeps on keeping on.
Sunday, January 7, 2007
whats MY motivation!?!
So, a week into the New Year, and what can I say? I havent worked out once, not once! Unless you count cleaning. I have been moving stuff around, sweeping up pine needles and sweating up a storm..lol Of course some good hot sweaty sex would really help. Thats a good enjoyable exercise. On soooo many levels.
We'll see I guess Im getting my groove. I didnt eat much today. WE went to the new buffet with Sushi etc, VOMIT! Blegh! The stuff they got there...Whole baby octopuses, tentacles and all, all the fish still had their heads, bones, skin... yeah the boys LOVED it! What planet are they from, damn. I had some chinese food, that was cooked, but I only ate half a plate. Then I made pasta...made sauce from scratch today, I want to get better at homemade cooking. I like to do it, but usually only happens over the holidays. We need to make it something that happens on a regular occasion. I had one plate of spaghetti. And was good. I kept staring at it, thinking about it, wanting it. But I didnt do it!!
My little world has been filled with great REALIZATIONS lately. My most recent one saddens me. My relationship with food is just like my relationship with men. I havent figured out where that connection was made, where it started from. I used to be thin, some said too thin? Hello, what was I Nicole Richie, far from it. Of course most people around here are overweight, to put it nicelyOnly the 12 yerars olds that havent had their 5th child yet...lol... Ok, but seriously I used to think I was fat, when I was like 138-140. So I decided to lose weight. I was moving to Hawaii with T and dint look fat in a bikini. I was 17, 5'8.5" and 120 pounds. I worked out every night and ate ice cubes all day tricking my brain into thinking I was eating, when it was really only water...
I wanted to look good for my man when he saw mt again. Is that where it started? was that when it began? I dont know. Iw as never fat before that. However I got pregnent the day I arrived in Hawaii. My son's father gained more weight than I did. I lost weight all over, except my stomach and my breasts, went from a B to a double D!! They didnt even look real. But my stomach was flat and I had huge boobs right after he was born. I got in a size 7 with no problems.
Time passes on, kicked him to the curb and met a new man. Nice, sweet, we never fought, he was a body builder. My weight went up a bit he never said a word. I f he noticed, if he cared, he never said. Sounds great right? I was bored, thought that with no fighting we had no passion and so I left him as well... I started gaining weight. I was up to about 180 by this point. My heaviest ever. I went toa bariatrics doctor and lossed over 20 pounds in a month and kept losing. Thats when I met my soon to be ex-husband : ) I got back down to 140 again and was happy with him and happy with my body. As our relationship progressed things started to go down hill. His addictions and non existence sex life and my weight ballooned all over again. We moved to Vegas, and I was MISERABLE and I gained 30 pounds in 6 months. I left him and moved back and started losing weight again. Not from effor, but from just feeling better.
I got a desk job and he came back, insisting on us being together. Well that was that, I went up to 216 pounds. He would throw it in my face, how fat I was, whenever he felt the need to bring me downoff my high horse... (whatever) I found out, after almost 10 years of being together (and no sex whatsoever) that he was cheating on me. I was horrified!! I couldnt breathe, I couldnt quit crying or puking. I t made me sick for 2 MONTHS!! Interestingly enough, less than a week after I found out, is when I met...yes, another man. My marraige was DEFINATELY over. Tada! Inspiration, yeah, I guess so...Or another addiction for me with men and food. I had never weighed so much in my LIFE!! EVER!!
There was an obvious attraction between me and the man I became obsessed with. My on again off again, maybe, no not really, no definately not, my boyfriend. I worked out constantly. I dropped 40 pounds in 3 months! I could wear my little skirts and my high heels. I started feeling confident in myself. I felt sexy, secure, powerful. I saw the way men looked at me, and it is empowering. to be a sexy woman.
Both of these men are finally not a priority in my life anymore. But Im having problems with finding my new motivation. Like I am not reason enough to lose the weight. I dont want or need to have a man to make me want to lose this weight. I want to lose it for me. But when it comes down to it, exercise is for me. It only benefits me. So when kids, work, my house all need attention...well that leaves me in the dust doesnt it. Im trying to schedule my workouts but other things, work, etc. keep butting into my schedule. And for some reason, I cant breathe and I am damn tired! ALL the time! I am trying to get sleep, but it seems in the middle of the day, I get hit with the strong need for a nap. ANd my damned insurance screwed me, so I cant even go to the doctor. So as long as I dont die anytime soon...we'll all be good, and hopefully, with any luck, Ill lose some weight too...LOL
We'll see I guess Im getting my groove. I didnt eat much today. WE went to the new buffet with Sushi etc, VOMIT! Blegh! The stuff they got there...Whole baby octopuses, tentacles and all, all the fish still had their heads, bones, skin... yeah the boys LOVED it! What planet are they from, damn. I had some chinese food, that was cooked, but I only ate half a plate. Then I made pasta...made sauce from scratch today, I want to get better at homemade cooking. I like to do it, but usually only happens over the holidays. We need to make it something that happens on a regular occasion. I had one plate of spaghetti. And was good. I kept staring at it, thinking about it, wanting it. But I didnt do it!!
My little world has been filled with great REALIZATIONS lately. My most recent one saddens me. My relationship with food is just like my relationship with men. I havent figured out where that connection was made, where it started from. I used to be thin, some said too thin? Hello, what was I Nicole Richie, far from it. Of course most people around here are overweight, to put it nicelyOnly the 12 yerars olds that havent had their 5th child yet...lol... Ok, but seriously I used to think I was fat, when I was like 138-140. So I decided to lose weight. I was moving to Hawaii with T and dint look fat in a bikini. I was 17, 5'8.5" and 120 pounds. I worked out every night and ate ice cubes all day tricking my brain into thinking I was eating, when it was really only water...
I wanted to look good for my man when he saw mt again. Is that where it started? was that when it began? I dont know. Iw as never fat before that. However I got pregnent the day I arrived in Hawaii. My son's father gained more weight than I did. I lost weight all over, except my stomach and my breasts, went from a B to a double D!! They didnt even look real. But my stomach was flat and I had huge boobs right after he was born. I got in a size 7 with no problems.
Time passes on, kicked him to the curb and met a new man. Nice, sweet, we never fought, he was a body builder. My weight went up a bit he never said a word. I f he noticed, if he cared, he never said. Sounds great right? I was bored, thought that with no fighting we had no passion and so I left him as well... I started gaining weight. I was up to about 180 by this point. My heaviest ever. I went toa bariatrics doctor and lossed over 20 pounds in a month and kept losing. Thats when I met my soon to be ex-husband : ) I got back down to 140 again and was happy with him and happy with my body. As our relationship progressed things started to go down hill. His addictions and non existence sex life and my weight ballooned all over again. We moved to Vegas, and I was MISERABLE and I gained 30 pounds in 6 months. I left him and moved back and started losing weight again. Not from effor, but from just feeling better.
I got a desk job and he came back, insisting on us being together. Well that was that, I went up to 216 pounds. He would throw it in my face, how fat I was, whenever he felt the need to bring me downoff my high horse... (whatever) I found out, after almost 10 years of being together (and no sex whatsoever) that he was cheating on me. I was horrified!! I couldnt breathe, I couldnt quit crying or puking. I t made me sick for 2 MONTHS!! Interestingly enough, less than a week after I found out, is when I met...yes, another man. My marraige was DEFINATELY over. Tada! Inspiration, yeah, I guess so...Or another addiction for me with men and food. I had never weighed so much in my LIFE!! EVER!!
There was an obvious attraction between me and the man I became obsessed with. My on again off again, maybe, no not really, no definately not, my boyfriend. I worked out constantly. I dropped 40 pounds in 3 months! I could wear my little skirts and my high heels. I started feeling confident in myself. I felt sexy, secure, powerful. I saw the way men looked at me, and it is empowering. to be a sexy woman.
Both of these men are finally not a priority in my life anymore. But Im having problems with finding my new motivation. Like I am not reason enough to lose the weight. I dont want or need to have a man to make me want to lose this weight. I want to lose it for me. But when it comes down to it, exercise is for me. It only benefits me. So when kids, work, my house all need attention...well that leaves me in the dust doesnt it. Im trying to schedule my workouts but other things, work, etc. keep butting into my schedule. And for some reason, I cant breathe and I am damn tired! ALL the time! I am trying to get sleep, but it seems in the middle of the day, I get hit with the strong need for a nap. ANd my damned insurance screwed me, so I cant even go to the doctor. So as long as I dont die anytime soon...we'll all be good, and hopefully, with any luck, Ill lose some weight too...LOL
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
I woke up and....Im FAT!!!!
So, Im fat. Like for real fat. I did my BMI and I am obese per their numbers. Ive been in their overweight category for the last several years. But Im back in the old obese catagory. Yay for me! Ok, Im not suicidal yet. But seriosly, I out on pants today that a few months literally were so big, I had to be careful they didnt slide off. And today what happened? Oh yeah, I had to SUCK IN so I could get them ON!!!
Hello fat patrol, come and get me, cuz its time. I was having sex, (yeah I know, TMI) anyway, I was on top, just a quickie, butI just remember thinking, ewwww my stomach, God dont let him be looking at my STOMACH!!! It is soooo my worst body part, by far. I just wanted to turn around and ride him backwards! ( he wouldve liked it, he likes my ass...lol)
Anywho, I havent gained back ALLL the weight I lost but damn! I know people gain weight over the holidays...but this is ridiculous! I worked too hard to have just let this pile back on me like a ton of bricks. Or better yet, a pile of lard!
Monday, January 1, 2007
I know...everybody is saying it...
January 1st, 2007. A brand new year. New year's resolution time, right? And whats EVRYBODYS resolutions? Lose weight! Of course. And make more money, better job, more time with family,etc...But to get in shape, thats the big one. SO here we go...whos fat out there? Or better yet, who thinks they're fat? No matter what, unless we're a size 2 the media, Hollywood, 16 year old popstars... they all make us feel like pigs!
Example, whatshername that dressed up in a fat suit making her a whole size 12. A 12!! Hello! That is the AVERAGE size of American women today. Not only THAT, but does no one remember that the sexiest woman in history, or so it seems, Marilyn Monroe, was a size 14! Throughtout history, women werent toothpicks. Damn that Twiggy!! And of course, important to remember, that when we are young girls developing, for the most part, we start small and then fully develop into a woman!
Let us not forget, men like to LOOK at the skinny little girls. But when it comes down to it, it is our own self confidence that projects our sexuality to the world. We can be sexy at any size. And Ive yet to meet a man that didnt like a big ass and big boobs. PERIOD! And not fake ones either... When having some wild sex a man throws those tiny little things around, first they have nothing to grab onto and second, they'll break them! LOL...
So anyway....here we are, the first of a brand new year. So I have decided that this year I will be a brand new shiny Carly. I want to put my personal information on here. I dont think Im quite brave enough though... I will say, a year ago, I was at my lowest weight in years 169. I was in love and the man I thought was my boyfriend was coming home after almost a year. I was working out hard to look good for him. Catch that, 'for him' Not me. Whos more important here? I AM! Thats right. ME!! So one year later, I took all my measurements and weighed myself and....Oh dear Lord, help me. Id kiss the ground to be 169 again. I will put this, so I can see it in writing. 197.5 WHAT!!! THATS ALMOST A 30 POUND GAIN!! :' ( How did I let this happen!?!?
So the first is here, yeah I know, Ive said that! But, tomorrow I go to Rockys to work out. My elliptical is my new best friend...lol and I have made a Life to do list and working a program to lose this damn weight. SO theres a few of us on here that admit to doing this, but you know, if your reading this, your probably doing it to so PLEASE leave your thoughts and ideas, and anything inspirational that can help us all on this journey.
Good luck and Happy 2007!!!
Example, whatshername that dressed up in a fat suit making her a whole size 12. A 12!! Hello! That is the AVERAGE size of American women today. Not only THAT, but does no one remember that the sexiest woman in history, or so it seems, Marilyn Monroe, was a size 14! Throughtout history, women werent toothpicks. Damn that Twiggy!! And of course, important to remember, that when we are young girls developing, for the most part, we start small and then fully develop into a woman!
Let us not forget, men like to LOOK at the skinny little girls. But when it comes down to it, it is our own self confidence that projects our sexuality to the world. We can be sexy at any size. And Ive yet to meet a man that didnt like a big ass and big boobs. PERIOD! And not fake ones either... When having some wild sex a man throws those tiny little things around, first they have nothing to grab onto and second, they'll break them! LOL...
So anyway....here we are, the first of a brand new year. So I have decided that this year I will be a brand new shiny Carly. I want to put my personal information on here. I dont think Im quite brave enough though... I will say, a year ago, I was at my lowest weight in years 169. I was in love and the man I thought was my boyfriend was coming home after almost a year. I was working out hard to look good for him. Catch that, 'for him' Not me. Whos more important here? I AM! Thats right. ME!! So one year later, I took all my measurements and weighed myself and....Oh dear Lord, help me. Id kiss the ground to be 169 again. I will put this, so I can see it in writing. 197.5 WHAT!!! THATS ALMOST A 30 POUND GAIN!! :' ( How did I let this happen!?!?
So the first is here, yeah I know, Ive said that! But, tomorrow I go to Rockys to work out. My elliptical is my new best friend...lol and I have made a Life to do list and working a program to lose this damn weight. SO theres a few of us on here that admit to doing this, but you know, if your reading this, your probably doing it to so PLEASE leave your thoughts and ideas, and anything inspirational that can help us all on this journey.
Good luck and Happy 2007!!!
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